IT’S ALL IN MY MIND!

I’m up at an ungodly hour of 3am, wondering when sleep will visit me. I was awaken by my shihtzu Chelsea, who decided, of all times, to play her loud squeaky toy in the dead of the night, making it scream like crazy right beside my left ear. Had me groaning inside - what in the world was i thinking getting her not one but two outrageously loud squeaky toys from PETCO that fitted in her mouth perfectly such that one small bite is enough to produce an annoyingly and scandalously loud sqeak?? Bad decision - one in a string i have probably been making since realizing, one moment late, that shopping in NY burned my pocket, and my credit card to ashes and that it was not a good idea at all.

I just endured 4 hours of waiting in JFK. agitation written all across my face, as my brother was starting to exhibit symptoms of what is probably the worst you can contract at a time when the world is overreacting to a pig-bird-human morphed germs, FLU. 14 hours to seoul, where upon touchdown, a flight attendant with almost incomprehensible english announced cheerfully that a thermoscanning was to be conducted at the tarmac - holy piece of shit. We can’t be stuck in korea and endure more hours of bibimbap, kimchi, and irritating bows and “khamsahamida” here and there. NO. Flying 12 time zones is enough torture. I had my brother swallow paracetamol and phenylpropanolamine and waited til the last of the exodus of excited-to-be-home koreans left the plane, before we made the exit - and cheated the thermoscan. Not that my defensive “oh no, you see my brother has some serious allergic rhinitis going on in his prime life” didn’t help. Whew. That was freaky.

6 hours of stopover in incheong, more than 24 hours worth of constipation. and more bibimbap, kimchi, and khamsahamida, i was staring into nothingness, numb, but thinking - if i ride the F train and started sneezing my way til say 59th and lexington, or let’s make it a lil farther - 14th st., would i start a trend of thermoscanning in all subway stops in all of manhattan? Whoa, CHAOS will be an understatement! But i’d be an overnight celebrity in that case. Fair trade.

Sleep finally, FINALLY caught up with me during the last stretch of the travel after i did a hefty god save me praying and looking back at my life. Our plane plunged to what i perceive to be 1000ft (i’m randomly guessing) and almost losing my kimchi-bibimbap breakfast, lunch and dinner, the pilot offered his apologies, making the “we’re experiencing some MILD turbulence” excuse over the paging system. Sigh…i guess i’ve done enough repentance for all the shopping and spending i did…and elevated my status to sainthood..

I got home to a stinky filthy chowchow, mylo i had to give an emergency bathing and grooming, and an overly excited face licking and moisturizing shihtzu, chelsea, both wagging their cute lil tails til i thought they might detach from their torso and thought…with all the inconvenience i had to put up with during the long flight, coming home to such loving home, a warm welcoming family (of course excited to get all their pasalubongs too), and my babies who are my life and my bestest friends, are enough to make me realize, I DID IT. I traveled alone, for the first time and made it. ALIVE. =)

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So shit happens to everyone…no big deal yeah? Sometimes when i sit down and listen to one of my friends pore over his shit, like i’m some big piece of porcelanic toilet bowl ready to flush continuously as i begin to fill up fast, really fast, i just cant help but wonder…is his shit bigger than mine?

I’ve been through hell. It’s my favorite thing to say. Beat my hell, and i’d just hand my crown over..gladly. For some reason, i’ve come to believe than i’ve become a magnet of let’s just call it, life’s shit. Just when i thought things are going in the right direction, they suddenly turn for the worse…and worse by my definition is ‘holy crap’ worse - WTF moments; and i end up with an exasperated smile (or more like a snicker), with head shaking, saying to myself…’should have known better karol…if it’s too damn perfect, then there must be something seriously wrong with it’.

I have come to embrace the fact that shit has been a part of my life. It wouldn’t be my life if there weren’t any. Thus probably came my paranoia, my silly imaginations of things that might happen, my expectations, my fears, and best of all, my cynicism. I call it being one step ahead…or i’d be caught dead unprepared. Oftentimes, (90% of the time) i’m right. My friends would always tell me i can predict the future. hahah! But i’m no astrologer. I simply anticipate the worst that could happen, so when things  turn out to be less shitty, then could easily say “it could have been worse’, then i end up being happy about it.

Life is shit but hey, if it weren’t for the shit, then life would be such a bore. I love shit in my life. They make me stronger, and most of all, appreciative of things probably overlooked by alot of people. I see shitty moments as small checkpoints in our lives; a sign for us to stop, think and reflect on what and who we are, what we have been, and how we can make the best of a worst possible situation. It makes us assess our strength, and gather up some more when we think our shit is too big to be flushed down. It helps us discover who are true friends are and who really loves us even when we are at our worst times. Shit is what makes a person whole.

I dedicate this blog to the best neurologist to be in this whole world, Dr. Manalili. Ate she, i really miss you. this blog post is for you. Thank you for carrying half my shit. You are one of god’s greatest blessings to me. Keep the fire burning. You keep my dreams with you. I love you!!

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I miss writing on my blog! But sigh…i wish facebook’s got this thing on it too…friendster is soo yesterday…

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This post was lifted from my previous blog that has gotten me into several controversies from non UP grads. I do not intend to make fun of other institutions. Let’s just say that i’m proud of where i came from. (Shit disclaimer nanaman! i hate it!)

I love the way the UP culture has shaped me to what i am right now - an independent mind. I welcome all aspects of ideas, wherever they are coming from. I see things differently. Everything comes alive. Everything has a potential. Everything has a chance to be something. My heart has grown closer to things, ideas, and mostly people that may somehow look mundane, but are actually the truest goldmine. I have appreciated becoming a commoner.

Things do not always appear the way they look. First impressions may last - true, but first impressions are just that - first impressions. Sooner or later you’d find out that these are actually what hinders you from succeeding in whatever undertaking you have your eyes on. IT is because you always go back to the first impression (especially if it was a negative impression) that you find it hard to move on and accept that some things are so much better once you get used to them. Just like a well oiled machine, it will only work well when it’s warmed and well on it’s working way just the way that it was built to suit it’s sole purpose. Yup. UP has taught me that…among other things. UP has taught me valuable life lessons and experiences that i couldn’t imagine getting even if i pay a fortune just to have them. UP has made me a different person. I have learned a lot. I have learned and appreciate….

making friends with common people - security guards, janitors, hospital nurse aids, tindera, etc. These are simple people who find joy in the little rewards in life that i wouldn’t even give a tiny spect of attention where i to have them.

eating street food, carinderia food, cheap donuts and inihaw, turon, camote fries and eggs coated with yellow orange flour (what do you call it again? i can’t even remember but i eat it heheh).

Cellphones were made for the sole purpose of calling and texting. THerefore, i don’t need a high end phone.

beauty is from the inside (This is sooo cliche). However much make up you put on your face that it hardens like cake icing, however fit and slim you become, if you’re not pretty, then you just are not. Add on some nasty attitude then you have nothing left.

Beauty is nothing without brains. Every UP student has to be brainy - the creme dela creme of the society. A rare species that is.

Whatever you do in your life, and i mean absolutely whatever, you have to give it your 110%. There’s no room for error and definitely no room for regrets.

Live today like it were your last. Eat your meal as if it were your last.

Money makes you comfortable but it is the deadliest of all evil. Money makes life more complicated. IT muddles your decision making capabilities, and mars your good or well-intentioned efforts. In other words, it is hard to interpret the intentions of somebody rich. There will always be a vested interest.

Trust is hard earned. A broken trust is like a broken glass - it is hard to bring the shattered pieces back together.

People can say all the mean things about you as if they know you so well, but as long as you know who you really are, the true person within, they can talk until they drop for all you care.

Silence is the best damage control in all “out of control” situations. Silence is mind power over emotions. We make relationships with our hearts but we can’t be emotional all the time.

Life is not about how long you’ve lived. It’s about the quality of it.

Friends are hard to come by. Once one comes along, treasure it for you know not how long they’ll last.

I am what i am. I am responsible for my own self, my decisions, my life. Nobody can enforce anything on me. Nobody can question my actions. I am ultimately, answerable only to myself and my conscience.

Independence - plain and simple. (need i say more?)

IF there’s any major decision i’ve made that i’m most proud of, it would probably be the day that i fought to study in UP, against my parents will, against all my friends’ advice. I survived it alone 9 years ago, in a world that i know i’m not cut out to be in. I knew then i had the UP attitude that would bring me in a vast land unreachable, unimaginable to hundreds of people who can only dream to be right there on top, but had no guts (and lets just say had no brains too - sorry) to make it. I was born to overachieve.

I love the way UP had brought me back to the very essence of living - joys in simplicity. Always be humble but never be less than the very best you can be. I study, i write, i achieve but i can’t and don’t brag about it. I let the people do the talking….and the bragging for me.

NAKS! hehe!!!

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A person close to me recently alerted me of this tiny blog situation i fail to take notice. Apparently, i have been writing as if nothing in the world cares…yet again…hehe! I used to maintain a blog that i was forced to set on private and change the url after i started receiving comments lambasting my blog posts and making more enemies than friends haha. Hey, it’s suppose to be a free world right? But i guess i had to start censoring my site again before it gets fucked up by some righteous weirdos. Thus i write this disclaimer.

Whatever i write in this blog, i have absolutely no malicious intentions of putting anybody down alright? These are innocent sharings of my experiences. I am no socialite. I am a stupid government worker who hasn’t even gotten her first paycheck and will be taking the same tax cuts as everybody does, and will soon cry unfair at how our politicians casually use these contributions when i start realizing that my tax cuts could actually buy me the dresses i love to buy from K & company. (okay will you stop now karol? This is a disclaimer) Zip. =)

I always pride myself in thriving in an environment that i’m not used to. However much discomfort i get from my stupid experiences, they would always give me the bragging rights at the end of the day.  Yes, i indeed survived them! Clap! Clap!

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I’d often see the sign NOTARY PUBLIC scattered among the sidewalks of manila, where an elderly man, usually, with thick glasses and yellowed sclerae behind it would be stooped in front of an aging and rusting typewriter, typing god knows what, endlessly. I’d find these commonly among the long lines of tiny stores that gives RUSH ID services and carinderia, with sidewalk vendors pushing cartful of buco or technicolored popcorn and chicharon in front. With this said, i’d like to share my ‘notary public’ experience.

I was given a document, as part of my pre-employment requirements to complete, by non other than my department, Neurosciences that is. The document says AGREEMENT, apparently some sort of ‘agreement’ between PGH, thereby the government, my employer, and me, the employee. Then at the end of the document, there was a space for me to affix my signature, then Dr. Alfiler, the director of PGH, representing my employer, and Dr. Ramiro, chair of my department. Panotarize mo nalang iyan pagkatapos mong pirmahan. Madami naman pwede magnotaryo niyan. That’s exactly the instruction given to me. I’m like, what the hell is a notary public? Where in heaven’s name will i have this notarized? In short, WTF am i gonna do yet again?!?! NOT THIS AGAIN?! *sigh* this is extreme torture…

As i was walking along PAdre Faura, contemplating my next battle strategy, yet too stubborn to ask for fear of looking stupid, i saw this sign that says notary public. I was about to head towards it but quickly changed my mind when i saw a group of what appears to be some tambay having an afternoon drinking session. *sigh* What am i gonna do? Heck, i’ll ask my dad when i get home.

I had to go to City Hall ng San Juan the following day to apply for my PTR, Cedula, TIN, etc. My dad told me to have my Agreement form notarized there. So when i got to the City hall, i was so relieved to see it airconditioned, with very kind employees helping me around. i said to myself, Boy, am i so glad i’m from San Juan city. Not a single jologs can be spotted for the simple reason that even the simplest people looked decent. I dunno how it happened. They just do. So I asked around…for the notary public. The security guard told me, Ma’am, pumunta kayo sa legal office sa itaas. Doon niyo ipanotaryo iyang dokumento niyo.” I’m like, whoa, this is easy. I don’t even have to suffer public humiliation!

I knocked and took a peek at the window beside it. Something wasn’t right. The office was soooo respectable. The lady behind the big office table was wearing a very crisp suit, an ensemble probably bought from M&S if not from Zara suit collection, with a Mac on top of her desk. Her hair was coifed neatly, and her bag. God i’d be damned but it was Louis Vuitton. I started thinking, is her LV an imitation? How could she afford one? Apparently, a whole galaxy spells the difference between her and the Notary public guy with a typewriter on a dusty sidewalk. I guess she caught me gawking. hija come in. What can i do for you? I was like, i’m fucked again.

I sat carefully at the very clean chair in front of her and said “ma’am, (handing her my agreement form) pwede PO ba magpanotaryo sa inyo? Ang instruction kasi sa akin, panotaryo niyo nalang iyan kung saan meron. ” The lady, apparently an attorney, (after reading her name that was etched on a marble stone top on her desk, and thinking SHIT! Can i go now?) took my form, read through it, while her left eyebrow was slowly rising. I’m like, uh oh…“Doktora, ganito kasi iyon. Kailangan mo papuntahin dito si Dr. Alfiler at si Dr. Ramiro at magdala ka ng dalawang witness para magkapirmahan tayo dito sa harapan ko. Eh tignan mo nga, wala ngang pirma si Dr. Alfiler at Dr. Ramiro.” I was like, can you say that again? Call the director of PGH and the Chair of the department to come here, in San Juan City Hall, personally with 2 witnesses so we could affix our signatures all at the same time? So you can sign my document and attach a dry seal? “Ma’am, imposible po iyon kasi kung ganoon po ang dapat mangyari, parang wala naman ako nababalita na kelangan ng personal appearance ng director ng pgh sa bawat empleyadong papasok sa ospital. Libo libong empleyado ang meron ng pgh. Ang toxic naman ata nun para kay director.” She handed me back my form. She couldn’t help me daw. So that sealed my fate. NOTARY PUBLIC BESIDE THE SIDEWALK IT IS. Holy shit.

I got up early this morning to make sure that the jeepneys weren’t too congested and the air still clean; tied my hair neatly as to lessen the dust that would most likely be feasting on my hair, dressed down, AGAIN, and headed to the notary public in padre faura. I sat on the wooden chair beside the aging wooden table, with an old man on white sando that had seen better days, sitting in front of a typewriter, typing god knows what endlessly. Kuya, papanotaryo po. He looked at me and said “Ma’am, attorney po ako.” THE HELL YOU ARE! “O sige, (I couldn’t bring myself to call him attorney) magkano po?” He said 50 pesos. I paid 50 bucks. In less than 3 minutes, he attached a dry seal, quickly scribbled something, then stamped his name Atty. Cosca with PTR License number and PRC license number. I thought wow, some quack he is. Everything covered even tax receipt and license number. I had my agreement form notarized…without Dr. Alfiler and Dr. Ramiro appearing in front of him, and without their signatures. Haha!!

To end my story, let me share to you the exact words written on my agreement form with no signatures from all parties except me.

In witness whereoff, the parties have hereto set their hands on _______ day of 2008.
By:

Carmelo alfiler, MD (director) Karolyn Ong, MD (trainee)

Signed in the presence of:

Mario Festin, Md, MHPed Philip Ramiro, MD (dept Chair)

Before me, a notary public for the City of Manila, personally appeared the following:

Carmelo Alfiler, MD
Philip Ramiro, MD

known to me and to me known to be the same persons who who executed the foregoing instrument and acknowledged to me that the same is their voluntary act and deed and of the entries herein represent.
WITNESS MY HAND AND SEAL in the palce and date first above written.

ATTY. EDILBERTO COSCA
NOTARY PUBLIC

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And i thought landing the neurology residency slot was hard…it’s a piece of cake compared to fixing the requirements needed for me to be enlisted in the salary roll, thereby giving me the right to be called “dakilang empleyado ng gobyerno”.

5 days. 5 freaking days is not even enough to cover the list of different government institutions i had to visit. PRC, PDEA, BIR, City hall (ng manila and sanjuan! for pete’s sake), PGH (of course); but of all these institutions, the NBI experience was waaaaayyyyy too much for me to handle.

I guess it was pure luck, or my dad was having a hangover from our japan vacay. He agreed to go with me to Carriedo - a place somewhere in quiapo that i’ve never ever seen before. He said i can’t go alone cause i’m too ‘visible’…whatever that means. I was like, “dad, what kind of a place is Carriedo? Is it something like Baclaran?” I know baclaran from my medical school days when i had to take the LRT with my classmates to get to this god-knows-where health center. My memories of Baclaran was all about sidewalk vendors selling illegal porn videos, in a street that smelled like shit (literally), littered with spits and chewed gums and dead swatted flies. Oh i’ve seen them all. I doubt if anything can surprise me anymore. My dad simply said “You’ll see.”

Whatever it is in Carriedo, i’d rather not tell. It’s a place i’d probably wouldn’t wanna go to again, but i guess it was worth the experience. Getting the NBI clearance was what probably pissed me right off.

I wasn’t too happy standing in a long line full of jologs looking people. I had intentionally dressed down to my shabbiest (not that i’m a fashionista too, you know) just to blend in; but unless i throw in some charcoal to spread all over my skin, i’m just too..umm…visible! I hated it! So i paid the 20 bucks maintenance fee and went in to get my form, then went to a corner to quietly fill out my form. 2 minutes into it, a young man that looked like a rapist approached me. “miss miss, ano ang isusulat ko dito (pointing to the form where it says surname, then giving me a grin)” I was already reaching my boiling point from all the hassles that i had to go through so with the kindest voice i could muster, i told him “kuya, nagaral ka ba? hindi mo ba alam na ang surname at ang nickname ay iisa?!?!” That should have put him in his place, damn bastard.

Step 1: magbayad. Right. I paid again. P115.00 Step 2. Checking. I was like *sigh* somebody probably has to make sure that i didn’t write my nickname on the surname box. Step 3: Encoding (or something to that effect). Great! another line. Step 4. Image capture. By this time i know i looked like hell descended on me. “Ma’am tumingin ka sa camera” I’m like, okay smile karol. “Bawal po may ipin” WTF alright! Smile without teeth! “Ma’am bawal po na mukhang masaya” I was sooooo pissed already i said “Kuya! Ayoko magmukhang criminal sa NBI clearance!” By then i couldn’t smile even if i wanted too. “Ma’am, doktor ka pala?” I said “Mukha ba akong magseaseaman?!”

Step 5: thumbprinting. That’s easy. Another line. Then i read from a signage up front. “Magbayad ng 2 piso para sa pamunas ng ink. Note: sa may gusto lang naman” So i dug in my bag to get my coin purse. My turn came and fingerprinting was done. “Kuya, i need pamunas.” The kuya replied “Miss bayad po.” I said, “hinulog ko na sa kahon.” “Wala pa miss.” “Fuck naman, i said i already paid. O eto, 5 piso. Can i have my pamunas ng ink now? You can keep the change.” He grinned. I was like, what’s wrong with these people?!?!

Step 6: rechecking (or something to that effect). “akin na papel mo..” Fine. Take it! Then he stamped a date. Nov14. Step 7: Releasing. Finally!! I was so excited to get out of that place. When my turn was up and i handed my receipt, the lady got annoyed and said “miss, nov14 mo pa makukuha. Ayan o. Nakatatak nov 14.” I said, “hindi naman sinabi sa akin kung ano ibig sabihin ng date ng iyan eh! Ang labo ng sistema niyo!”

Today is Nov15, a day after i finally got my NBI clearance. Yes. I looked like a sex offender and a junkie in my picture; but who the hell cares. I’m never going back to that shithole again. Nope. Not again, if i can prevent it.

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Please forgive me for lack of a better thing to do. I thought of writing something about friendster-ing. It has been around for a while and there have been alot talk, broken friendships, and revelations from friendster. hehe! It is a fun world but one you clearly can’t totally trust. Enjoy!

This is a survey i made for myself. IT is entitled “the real score behind friendster-ing”
(I = interviewer, Riverdance - acting out a conceited bitch)

I: Do you have a friendster account?
Riverdance: Who doesn’t?

I: When did you have it?
Riverdance: 2 years after everyone started theirs.

I: So what made you have one?
Riverdance: Cause i sounded like a loser telling everyone (and proudly at that) that i am the only one who’s not interested in friendster-ing. I ate my words.

I: So what’s in your friendster?
Riverdance: Oh nothing much. I just uploaded hundreds of pictures. Majority of which are SOLO pictures. Then i placed all my credentials…you know stuff like i graduated in this and that school…stuff that will most likely boost my image…and my ego of course. Just like advertising.

I: Did it?
Riverdance: Shempre naman! Nothing wrong with upping an already blown out of proportion ego.

Interviewer’s thought bubble…ang kapal ng babaeng ito ah…
Riverdance’s thought bubble….are we done yet? I have lots of things to do pa! (rolling her eyes)

I: Is your friendster account on private setting?
Riverdance: ahhh….that’s tricky. Okay, it wasn’t for like i dunno…2 years? Then i found out that there are people copying my pictures! You know like crazy people who’s so besotted with me…wanting to get to know me…then sending me messages like “ummm…i like you. can you be my friend?” I said to myself…well ain’t that bullshit? Cause clearly, you’re not my friend and so why should we be friendster friends? So, i turned the private setting on.

I: Are you saying that all your friendster friends are real friends?
Riverdance: TOTALLY. (then she thinks) Well, i’d say 98%. But not everyone are real friends. Some are well..you know…frienemies (thanks for the term kyla!)

Interviewer’s thought bubble…ang kapaaaallll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…………………

I: How about the “who’s viewed me”? Is that turned on too?
Riverdance: Oh that. hahaha. I’m not on anonymous setting. I never check other people’s account. That’s stalking!! I track the people checking mine. Sometimes some do check mine regularly. That’s when i know that this person is so into me.

I: There are regular visitors of your friendster account?
Riverdance: Oh yeah. A lot! Maybe you’re one too….hahahaha!!! just kidding. (but clearly not kidding at all)

Interviewer’s thought bubble…hahampasin ko na talaga ito eh…
Riverdance: Are we done yet?
Interviewer: Just one more question.

Interviewer: You’re profile is “it’s complicated”. Is it?
Riverdance: Hahaha! You got me there! (thought bubble: damn nosey bitch!)
Interviewer: Is it?
Riverdance: Come on. Can’t you take a joke? Everybody has “it’s complicated” on their status. Why can’t i?
Interviewer: So it is complicated?
Riverdance: NO. (shit i’m a very convincing actress)

Interviewer’s thought bubble…ang laaaaabo!

Interviewer: Thank you very much for this opportunity to get to know you. You look better in person than on your friendster.
Riverdance: You don’t have to say it. I already know (with a shrug). You’re very much welcome.

This blog post was meant as a joke alright? Baka may maniwala ah!! hehehe!!!

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If i hear another earthling say melaNine again, i’m gonna throw a handful of rotten bananas on his face. I’m sick of it! It is melaMMMMine! MMMMMMMMine OKAY? not with a letter N!! Damn, melanin is a skin pigment! How the hell would a skin pigment land on your milk? Go figure!

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